You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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