I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
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Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
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I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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