i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
