if you like me you must not know who I am
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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