Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
