Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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