when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
