I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
