he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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