they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
