u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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