I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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