when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
