I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
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I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
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And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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