this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
