I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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