What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
