my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
