i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
