Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
