I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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