there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
