I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Randomize
