Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
