I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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