We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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