For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
