Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
