The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
