So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
