We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
