i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
