We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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