I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I wish there were birth control emojis
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
