This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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