Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
