Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
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I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
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You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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