I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
