you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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