You're my little dorito
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
