drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
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she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
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Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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