Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Say something about gay babies.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
