Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
In other news, I just burned my penis
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
