im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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