Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
