My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
whose parrot is this?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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