I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
