I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
