Can i not drive my cunt home
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
