Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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