She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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