I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
