Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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