I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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