Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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