My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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