They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
