Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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