i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
