i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
